On reflection: Refining, Focusing and Sustaining

It's a couple of hours after sunrise and I feel a sudden urgency to write. The thought has indeed been lingering on my mind for quite some time now but I've waiting for the right moment, for my writing was never quite going to be the same after my recent experiences. I no longer want to write for the sake of writing a well-written post (although it helps) but rather I want to focus more on the meanings and messages that I want to convey. You'll have to excuse me as I've gone in the deep end quite abruptly but everything should soon become clear.

 It's been over a week since I returned from Makkah, but while the physical journey has ended the spiritual path progresses. While I draw upon the lessons of my travel for spiritual enlightenment, reflection, perspective and purpose of life, certain facets of my life become crystal clear while others become irrelevant. As a result, the first few days of my return can be summed up by refining. Refining in the sense of cutting out the unnecessary and focusing on the more pertinent. I drew my own conclusions on my ultimate purpose of life, and I think it's important that everyone does so in their own time but I'm glad that I've been able to grasp it earlier on. With a realisation of what it is exactly that one wants out of life one begins the tedious task of setting oneself measurable goals and then a plan of how to execute them whether a daily, weekly or a monthly plan depends upon the nature of the goals. 

Travelling as my fellow travellers will agree with me here is a change in comfort zone, it is a change of scenery and it is a change generally from our hustle and bustle of everyday life. As such, a physical change always brings about an intellectual and spiritual change.  Whilst being a traveller one unloads an immense amount of responsibilities that burdens the intellect and as such this freeing up of the mind allows one to really think about higher things which really is a luxury for everyday life unless one has a specific retreat for reflection. And so I embarked one month ago in the blessed lands of Saudi Arabia on an insightful adventure that took me to truthful realisations and periods of introspective reflections. 

One of the key learning points of my trip was my need to focus. Living in London everything grabs your attention, one day you want to be a still-life photographer, the next day you want to try your hand at calligraphy and the day after that perhaps in introductory 101 (beginner's guide) into Photoshop. The point is I started to dabble in a bit of this and a bit of that but I realise now that in each field I got nowhere! The problem was everything was marketed to be able to accomplish so easily but it wasn't true. So I needed to focus on perfecting one or two things see it through and then move on. This is exactly the perspective that I needed in order to move forward.

There's little point in travelling if all you bring back is souvenirs;  a traveller brings back a wealth of learning experience and the best ones are the ones that have an immediate effect on your life. Over the last week and a half since my return, I feel like I'm finally in control of my life. My emotional and mental state has remained sustained. And what is this state? This is my resolve to live life to the fullest, my determination to fulfil my life goals, seeing blessings in the smallest of things, being happy for whatever little that I have - and this mentality has remained with me everyday since I've been back. The effects on my life have already been changed for the better: my productivity has dramatically become efficient because I don't have 'I can't be asked' episodes that last for days, my general well being is happy because everyday is progressive for me - I set myself daily goals with flexibility and I manage to accomplish them and this gives me a satisfaction that I'm doing something with my life and moving forward.

So what has kept me consistent, determined and motivated for the last week and half? Personally, I realised and understood that my source of motivation, striving and living emanated from my relationship with God and once this was clear to me I began to do actions that enhanced my relationship with God so I would seek reliance from Him in all my matters no matter how trivial. I would remember Him constantly throughout my day. The days in which I was the most ardent and the most passionate in seeking closeness to God  those days were the richest and most meaningful days for me. The challenge now remains as to how long I can keep this up for. I am confident that this is a new new beginning, a fresh start, a new me.

Lessons from my day

For illustrative purposes only, I'm on the right hand side
(if that wasn't already obvious) with my good friend,
and brother Tasif on the left-hand side
(pretending to be cool with a fake phone call). I just
wanted to show what a 'Taub' looks like.

It's quite late in the day for me, normally I would retire to bed straight after Eisha (night prayer) but today would be different. I had been preparing all year for this, the excitement was too much. Though I have to admit it does sound more sad once I write it down. Tonight I am going to be sleeping in the prayer room. 

Looking back at my day, there are plenty of things that I can learn and ponder on. Of those, one of them is INTENTIONS. Have I been making sure that my actions are exclusively for Allah? For instance, I have recently started to wear a black Taub (long white garment) for all my prayers at KCL, but am I doing it for people to think that I'm practising or to increase my stature. OK, this one's easy, I'm doing it because our Fiqh teacher recommended it, and it makes sense. The way that I look at it, if I had an interview tomorrow I would attire into my most spick and spanned clothing, maybe even a suit. I would spray some Paco Rabanne cologne and dazzle my interviewers with my flossed, brushed, mouth-washed set of teeth. And that's only for an interview, leading to most likely a dunya (material) gain, so why can I not make an effort for my Creator, who sustains me, favours me with countless blessings, makes me feel safe and sound, disposes of my troubles and sends peace and tranquillity over my heart. It makes one think doesn't it.

Another personal development that I am constantly battling with is back-biting, speaking something about a person which they dislike - if it is true then it is gossiping, and if it is false then slandering. I am constantly speaking ill of people, especially about my brothers. Sometimes they get on my nerves so much so that I feel like confiding even in a stranger with my frustrations, obviously I wouldn't do that. I'm being too harsh, they're not really that bad, there's more good than bad in them. But that's the whole test, isn't it, can I be patient with them? Can I be disciplined enough not to open my mouth without consulting my brain, for surely I have found this is the most difficult thing to do, to THINK BEFORE SPEAKING.

OK, I see that this blog is getting a bit too Muslim-y. I guess I feel very comfortable talking about my experiences, my lessons. All I can say now is I'm going to bed now and if you can please pray that Allah makes my revision easy, efficient and productive (and if you have more time please ask Him to give me a first in my Summer exams). Until next time ;)

Day two of Spiritual Enlightenment

Just as I had predicted the previous day I knew this awakened sense of self would not last long, and certainly it did dissipate by the end of the evening just as the heat dissipates from a cup of tea. Although one thing did strike me as peculiar, this dissipation was not instantaneous nor did it fall to dangerous levels. By the end of the day I wasn't too far from where I had started. My spiritual enlightenment had by the turn of the day still remained constant.


And again as I awoke today, just as every other day, I felt lazy, comatose and out of it. By mid-day while I lay on my sofa half awake-half asleep, I knew that I needed some kind of miracle or even a pill to make me conscious. After ordering my younger brother to fetch me a mug of coffee I immediately felt the caffeine kick in, but many times before coffee was not always reliable but today I invoked my lord. Immediately, I felt like superman - man of steels. I quickly got my act together and began doing what needed to be done.


While I was going about my day God reached out to me and sent me a message. Though it was unorthodox, occurring while I was boarding the 147 bus taking me home, a woman began speaking to me about those 'gypsie' ladies who don a scarf over their head and pull out a baby in a pram like a bait to a fish. She remarks "These women, calling me a 'sister' they can't even say Salam Alaykum properly, I know their not even Muslims and when I told them that they gave me a funny look". She went on to talk about her frustration as a hard-working mother and then to be insulted by these women who cheat off people's hard-earned money and pay nothing back. She went on about more 'fraudulent' stories and then she said something, something I found quite unpalatable to digest. She pointed out "all these things, evading tax, falsely claiming benefits, cheating, committing fraud... it's all Haraam [forbidden]". It was not the content of what she was saying that shook me rather that some of the things that she was talking about were things that I was in fact committing. 


Growing up as an East Londoner, you don't quite really think much about these small acts of 'cheating' - even using the word scares us because what we do doesn't sound or even look like 'cheating'. For example downloading pirated content from the net, one would find all sorts of reasons to justify this action but the bottom line is it's illegal, it's fraud! Reluctantly, I began to see more and more of the things that I do that God wouldn't be pleased with and this is what initiated my phase two of spiritual awakening and enlightenment. I could feel God trying to teach me something, trying to evoke emotions within me - conflicting, perturbing the heart. My heart felt restless, I could feel the weight of all the things that I had done wrong. All these feelings intermixed sought me closer to my Lord. My late-afternoon prayer felt like all my energy had been depleted, I was focussing on every letter that I was reciting, every movement that I making. It felt something almost like after an intensive revision session or intellectual exertion, it was then that I knew that this prayer was like no other that I had prayed. After closing my prayers, I felt a sense of serenity overcome me and all the worries of the world has wondered away. The dark cloud of uncertainty had vanished and the constant whispers of failure had subsided. I was at peace with myself.

Haidar's Honeypot

The naming of this Blog is rather sad, I spend almost half an hour going through the dictionary to find a letter that would alliterate with Haidar. My initial eureka moment was when I discovered the word 'head' and that it could be combined with Haidar to give the Blog title 'Haidar's Head', but then I thought nah its way too typical. So my quest for a Blog title continued until I stumbled across the word honeypot - and I thought wow this could really work. And here we have it - Haidar's Honeypot.


A brief update, I am absolutely swamped with a barrel of workload up to my elbows and knees that's going to keep me busy for at least two months. Did I mention it's exam season! I feel like a slave to my books, not a day goes by where I don't feel guilty for not doing enough and as much as I should. Add to that, working for the Census 2011 and me being brave enough to complete most of my 25-hour contract over the weekend keeps me unsociable. 


Over the weekend, I've been contemplating getting a cat, a really adorable one, one that makes you go' aaaw' , 'he's so cute' and 'look what he's doing!' kind of cat. It has to be one that does not shed so much fur such that its constantly belching hair-balls every five seconds.


I read this article, Why do people have to leave each other?, Saturday morning and I was honestly blown away by the conclusion. The writer sheds light on our relationships with other and how to define it:

"It means when you have friends, don’t expect your friends to fill your emptiness. When you get married, don’t expect your spouse to fulfill your every need. When you’re an activist, don’t put your hope in the results. When you’re in trouble don’t depend on yourself. Don’t depend on people. Depend on God."

I felt a fresh sense of empowerment like I was "unconquerable, because [my] supporter [could] never be conquered. And [I would] never become empty, because [my] source of fulfillment is unending and never diminishes." This colourful way of thinking extended throughout my day; my actions, my thoughts and my demeanour had radically changed in the course of an hour. I found comfort in the fact that actually this Dunya (material world) is imperfect - our outlook in this life should not be disappointing by the rollercoaster of life's ups and downs. "That is because if our inner state is dependent on something that is by definition inconstant, that inner state will also be inconstant. If our inner state is dependent on something changing and temporary, that inner state will be in a constant state of instability, agitation, and unrest. This means that one moment we’re happy, but as soon as that which our happiness depended upon changes, our happiness also changes. And we become sad. We remain always swinging from one extreme to another and not realizing why."


You'll have to read the rest of the article to truly understand what I'm talking about, it's deep - its not for the feint hearted. As always Suhaibwebb.com produces outstanding articles bu high-calibre scholars, so I highly recommend anyone interested to browse through and window shop some of the ideas, until then adios my amigos!