Just as I had predicted the previous day I knew this awakened sense of self would not last long, and certainly it did dissipate by the end of the evening just as the heat dissipates from a cup of tea. Although one thing did strike me as peculiar, this dissipation was not instantaneous nor did it fall to dangerous levels. By the end of the day I wasn't too far from where I had started. My spiritual enlightenment had by the turn of the day still remained constant.
And again as I awoke today, just as every other day, I felt lazy, comatose and out of it. By mid-day while I lay on my sofa half awake-half asleep, I knew that I needed some kind of miracle or even a pill to make me conscious. After ordering my younger brother to fetch me a mug of coffee I immediately felt the caffeine kick in, but many times before coffee was not always reliable but today I invoked my lord. Immediately, I felt like superman - man of steels. I quickly got my act together and began doing what needed to be done.
While I was going about my day God reached out to me and sent me a message. Though it was unorthodox, occurring while I was boarding the 147 bus taking me home, a woman began speaking to me about those 'gypsie' ladies who don a scarf over their head and pull out a baby in a pram like a bait to a fish. She remarks "These women, calling me a 'sister' they can't even say Salam Alaykum properly, I know their not even Muslims and when I told them that they gave me a funny look". She went on to talk about her frustration as a hard-working mother and then to be insulted by these women who cheat off people's hard-earned money and pay nothing back. She went on about more 'fraudulent' stories and then she said something, something I found quite unpalatable to digest. She pointed out "all these things, evading tax, falsely claiming benefits, cheating, committing fraud... it's all Haraam [forbidden]". It was not the content of what she was saying that shook me rather that some of the things that she was talking about were things that I was in fact committing.
Growing up as an East Londoner, you don't quite really think much about these small acts of 'cheating' - even using the word scares us because what we do doesn't sound or even look like 'cheating'. For example downloading pirated content from the net, one would find all sorts of reasons to justify this action but the bottom line is it's illegal, it's fraud! Reluctantly, I began to see more and more of the things that I do that God wouldn't be pleased with and this is what initiated my phase two of spiritual awakening and enlightenment. I could feel God trying to teach me something, trying to evoke emotions within me - conflicting, perturbing the heart. My heart felt restless, I could feel the weight of all the things that I had done wrong. All these feelings intermixed sought me closer to my Lord. My late-afternoon prayer felt like all my energy had been depleted, I was focussing on every letter that I was reciting, every movement that I making. It felt something almost like after an intensive revision session or intellectual exertion, it was then that I knew that this prayer was like no other that I had prayed. After closing my prayers, I felt a sense of serenity overcome me and all the worries of the world has wondered away. The dark cloud of uncertainty had vanished and the constant whispers of failure had subsided. I was at peace with myself.
And again as I awoke today, just as every other day, I felt lazy, comatose and out of it. By mid-day while I lay on my sofa half awake-half asleep, I knew that I needed some kind of miracle or even a pill to make me conscious. After ordering my younger brother to fetch me a mug of coffee I immediately felt the caffeine kick in, but many times before coffee was not always reliable but today I invoked my lord. Immediately, I felt like superman - man of steels. I quickly got my act together and began doing what needed to be done.
While I was going about my day God reached out to me and sent me a message. Though it was unorthodox, occurring while I was boarding the 147 bus taking me home, a woman began speaking to me about those 'gypsie' ladies who don a scarf over their head and pull out a baby in a pram like a bait to a fish. She remarks "These women, calling me a 'sister' they can't even say Salam Alaykum properly, I know their not even Muslims and when I told them that they gave me a funny look". She went on to talk about her frustration as a hard-working mother and then to be insulted by these women who cheat off people's hard-earned money and pay nothing back. She went on about more 'fraudulent' stories and then she said something, something I found quite unpalatable to digest. She pointed out "all these things, evading tax, falsely claiming benefits, cheating, committing fraud... it's all Haraam [forbidden]". It was not the content of what she was saying that shook me rather that some of the things that she was talking about were things that I was in fact committing.
Growing up as an East Londoner, you don't quite really think much about these small acts of 'cheating' - even using the word scares us because what we do doesn't sound or even look like 'cheating'. For example downloading pirated content from the net, one would find all sorts of reasons to justify this action but the bottom line is it's illegal, it's fraud! Reluctantly, I began to see more and more of the things that I do that God wouldn't be pleased with and this is what initiated my phase two of spiritual awakening and enlightenment. I could feel God trying to teach me something, trying to evoke emotions within me - conflicting, perturbing the heart. My heart felt restless, I could feel the weight of all the things that I had done wrong. All these feelings intermixed sought me closer to my Lord. My late-afternoon prayer felt like all my energy had been depleted, I was focussing on every letter that I was reciting, every movement that I making. It felt something almost like after an intensive revision session or intellectual exertion, it was then that I knew that this prayer was like no other that I had prayed. After closing my prayers, I felt a sense of serenity overcome me and all the worries of the world has wondered away. The dark cloud of uncertainty had vanished and the constant whispers of failure had subsided. I was at peace with myself.
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